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Nonsense Poems

Boople Snoogie Wobber Jobber

Boople snoogie wobber jobber
Said the mole from Mars
Bibble sniggle woopie bopper
Said the far out stars

Wiggle biggle snagger jabber
Said the cow from space
Boobie oogle flobber snob
Will anyone have a race?

Perunkificatious Laughter

Perunkificatious Laughter was a naughty little girl
Perunkificatious Laughter liked to tickle with her curl
Perunkificatious Laughter once tickled a crocodile's feet
Perunkificatious Laughter became something nice to eat

Pirates

I sometimes wonder
When pirates plunder
If plundering pirates blunder?
For a blundering pirate
Would surely get irate
And plan to plunder his blunder

The Snoggle

Is that a Snoggle in your hand?
Please let me have a go
It feels all long and squishy
Like jelly under snow

History

Employment History

I have been interested in sound and music for as long as I can remember and during my school years worked in the local music shop, played in various bands, worked for hospital radio and undertook courses in basic and advanced sound recording and sampling theory. One of my electronic compositions made 'Tape of The Month' in Music Technology magazine. My university degree is in Computer Engineering and for my project I designed a simple computer based Digital Noise Reduction System as well as writing a paper on 'The Digitally Integrated Recording Studio'. This is the concept of a studio where once the audio signal has been converted into a digital signal, it never leaves the digital domain until it is played on the listeners Compact Disc or other digital reproduction system at home. All routing of the signal, dynamic effects, mixing and mastering is performed in the digital domain with no loss of audio quality and no need for noise reduction.

In August 1994, I helped start a small independent recording company and based on my paper 'The Digitally Integrated Recording Studio', I designed the studio building to facilitate this concept and the studio was one of the first computer based digital studios in the county of Hampshire.

During my time at the studio, I recorded many styles of music and spoken word, and recorded two albums specifically for Last Unicorn Records. A track from the album 'A Road Less Travelled', which I and a partner composed, was used in May 1997 for a British Telecom television advert. As well as recording and producing the albums I co-ordinated the sleeve design and Compact Disc production.

As part of my role in seeking new methods of distribution for Last Unicorn's music, I pioneered the concept of using Virtual Reality to sell music over the Internet and I coordinated the design of Last Unicorn's VRS (Virtual Reality Record Store) as well as helping design the company's corporate web site. I also project managed the final development and production of David Gosnell's 'WaveCraft', the first PC-based modular synthesiser software. This has since been used as a teaching aid for audio synthesis techniques.

In March 1996 I decided to leave Last Unicorn to broaden my knowledge in 3D graphics and enrolled on a 3D modelling course at Cricklade College, Andover. During this time, I sought employment at several different multimedia companies.

In July 1996 I was employed by Superscape VR Plc as a Sound Designer and I recorded and produced the sound effect and music library for the company's product range. I then went on to produce the bitmap texture library using a combination of digital/analogue camera, scanner and various software tools. Using skills I had acquired at Last Unicorn, I helped design the company's new corporate World Wide Web site and progressed to becoming the a designer for Superscape's 3D web site (Virtual World Wide Web).

During my employment at Superscape I worked on several pioneering web-based 3D interactive worlds including a virtual Millennium Dome for the ill-fated New Millennium Experience Company and a 3D multi-user web site for NTT. I also became involved in the user testing for the LEGO Creator CD-ROM and the concept design of LEGO Creator II.

In October 1997 I worked for a supplementary three hours per week at Farnborough College of Technology teaching Music Business and Sound Recording. I enjoyed the teaching and in September 1998 started working half-time for Superscape and half-time at the college. Although this division of my time seemed a good idea I found that I could not focus 100% on either vocation. In October 1999 I started full-time at the college as a lecturer in Music Technology. I completed a Certificate in Further and Higher Education over two years and also spent time developing web-based teaching and learning materials.

Spiritual History

I have a relationship with God. I can tell you in all honesty, with all that I am, that this relationship is the most important thing in my life. It is more important than my wife Lucy and is certainly more important than my house, my job or the church that I attend. My relationship with God is something I can never lose and something that can never be taken away from me. It shapes who I am, the way that I live my life and it permeates every aspect of day-to-day living. It is as real as you are, more satisfying than anything this world can provide and has given me more than I could ever dream. What's more, it is free. Like all lasting friendships, it is built on love, commitment and trust, and it has endured good times as well as bad.

My earliest memories of spirituality were saying bedtime prayers and running up and down the aisles in a United Reformed Church in Doncaster, Yorkshire. My family moved to Marlow, Buckinghamshire when I was six years old and we started attending Marlow parish church overlooking the river Thames. My memories of this church were less than inspiring. It felt cold, both physically and spiritually. The minister seemed to glare at the congregation from his pulpit and we sang unintelligable hymns even though I quite enjoyed singing. The congregation seemed to consist mostly of old women wearing furry hats. The Sunday school tried to help but it wasn't long before I was kicked out for being too much for the helpers to handle. Slowly but surely we stopped attending and attendance was completely severed when we moved up the road to High Wycombe.

I considered myself a Christian throughout my secondary school attendance until at the age of 16 my mother encouraged me to be confirmed. As far as I knew, being confimed meant that I would be able to drink the communion wine when we went to church at Easter or Christmas. Seeing as everybody else could do it I thought I should too. I approached my R.E. teacher at school. His name was Geoff Woolmore and he seemed like a solid bloke. He suggested I attend confirmation classes and be conformed at his church. I started attending St.Barnabus in High Wycombe and also confirmation classes with the vicar Rev. David Roberts. The church was nothing like anything I had attended before. People were open and friendly and they actually sang lively songs to God. I enjoyed a church service for the first time in my life. The confirmation classes were interesting and within six months I was confirmed by the Bishop. By this time I had a firm belief in God and had experienced Him, however, I hadn't made a real commitment to Him in my heart. I continued attending St.Barnabus during my A-Level studies although I found girls, drinking and partying more interesting.

During 1990 and 1991 I took a year out to travel around Australia, New Zealand and the west coast of the U.S.A. Alone in the Australian outback I made a commitment to follow Jesus and I have never looked back since that day. You can read about my experiences in my book Travel by Trust. On returning from my travels I attended university in High Wycombe and started attending St.Andrews Church under the inspiring leadership of John Hughes, Dave McDougal and Robin Lapwood. I joined the Christian Union at university and made some lifelong friends, one of whom would become my future wife. Lucy was in a Christian band called Cross Reference and their keyboard player was leaving. I jumped at the chance and joined the group. We practiced, prayed and ministered to each other every week and at weekends played our music at small venues around the south of England. The band was based at St.Johns Church, Hartley Wintney, Hampshire. The group disbanded in 1994. I started work in a Christian-based recording studio near Hartley Wintney and started attending St.John's church. The lead singer, Warner Pidgeon became my prayer partner and in 1998 we recorded a CD of some of our songs called Sanctuary. On 31st December 1995 I married Lucy at St.John's Church. During our first year of marriage we attended Farnham Vineyard Church and then we bought a house in Hartley Wintney. We have continued attending St.Johns to this present day.

Of babes and men

Babies. They dribble, they cry and they smell. When Lucy (my wife) told me she was pregnant back in July 1998 she asked me how I felt about it. How does one feel about having a baby in 9 months time when one has never had one before? When I was a teenager, I had a dog called Fudge and decided it must be a little like that. Having a baby is fine as long as it gets regular walks and we remember to feed it once a day.

As the months past, my wife changed. After the first month she start dragging bits of twig into the house and arranging everything just so. We descended on friends for advice and discovered that this process was known as nesting. No longer would I be allowed to leave dirty socks lying on the bedroom floor. In the second month Lucy's sense of smell became heightened resulting in nausea. I tried to remedy the situation by spending a whole evening preparing a special dinner for her. She took one look at my home-made chicken curry and ran straight for the bathroom. Things were starting to get tricky. After the fourth month the nausea wore off and so did most of Lucy's clothes as the bump began to grow.

For some strange reason, people started giving us things. Surely all we needed was a bowl, a collar and a lead? Lucy started putting these gifts and loans into the baby's room. The baby's room? You mean the spare room, my office, the place where I keep my fishing tackle? All of a sudden my fishing tackle became relegated to the end cupboard as the other three became filled with little clothes, something called a 'Moses basket', a plastic baby bath, a cot, two kinds of baby car seat, a baby chair, baby bag, changing mat, a strange machine (still not sure what it is yet) and a baby buggy that is more complicated to operate than a lunar lander. This baby had moved in and it hadn't even arrived yet! Even more to my surprise was that everyone else seemed to know more about what was happening than me. ' Is the baby's room done yet?', they would ask. Indeed the baby's room did get done. One day I cam home from work to discover my parents had redecorated complete with cute border and matching curtains.

I was starting to cope with these changes pretty well when one night whilst snuggling in bed, Lucy appeared to have trapped wind. She guided my hand onto her bulging tummy and something inside her poked it. The baby was kicking. Lucy took it all in her stride but I'd seen the movie Alien and that episode of the X-Files where that thing started laying eggs inside human bodies that hatched and...let's say it was enough to make me wince just a little.

Over a period of just under 8 months, the strangest thing had started happening to me. I started getting broody, clucky or whatever you want to call it. I was actually looking forward to having a sprog. Other people's babies started fascinating me. I started talking to them in a strange tongue. Maybe this was the gift of tongues? 'Ello-wee-kins', 'Oochy-boochy-boo', and 'Oos-a-little-munchkin-en' became part of my everyday vocabulary and what is worse is that I didn't seem to mind.

It was still five weeks before the baby was due so I decided to spend a weekend seeing a friend in Stornoway. On the way back I called Lucy from Glasgow airport to be told by my father that she was in Basingstoke Hospital. Her waters had broken whilst shopping in Reading. I spent the next few hours panicking and raced to the hospital as soon as I could. Lucy (as usual) was calm and relaxed. The baby might come today, tomorrow or maybe even in one week. In the meantime Lucy would have to stay in hospital and she did. After a very boring week of watching Supermarket Sweep on the telly, the midwifes started inducing her. I won't bore you with the details of gels, drips, epidurals, epesiotomies and ventouses, but four days later the baby arrived. I was there for the whole thing. For those chaps out there who think all this baby stuff is wet, you're right - blood everywhere. It was the most overwhelming thing that has ever happened to me. After I left the hospital at about 4.30am, I spent the next hour bawling my eyes out.

Lucy and Gemma-Louise are home now and I've never felt such love for two people more than I do for them. I thank God every day for them both and if God's love for us is anything like my love for Gemma, He must love us very much indeed.

Jealousy

Have you ever been intimidated; felt yourself being compared with someone else apparently far superior in every way? This happened to me once. Lucy and I were flying (on an aeroplane) from San Francisco to London. We shared the third seat in our aisle with a man whom I was to end up disliking immensely despite the fact that he had done nothing to deserve it.

James was in his mid to late thirties, good looking, well tanned and groomed, and before he spoke had an air of confidence and masculinity about him that made me try and sit up instantly in my seat and make myself look bigger and taller. He wore trendy faded jeans and a battered but well looked after black leather jacket; the type that speaks of years of hard-earned fun and daring; the type us non-bikers would love to own and never will. He ordered an orange juice and his voice was British with a very slight North American twang, giving him a desirable international flavour. Immediately, he turned and introduced himself, his five o'clock shadow not dimming his winning smile one bit.

Of course he didn't look at me, but kept his penetrating blue eyes fixed firmly on those of Lucy, my wife. The hairs started to bristle on the back of my neck and I'm sure I turned amber, ready to go red at any moment. I decided to play my joker there and then. To discover that James was an insurance salesman would bore Lucy to tears and cheer me up no end.

"So, what do you do...James?", I asked, leaving an incredibly long gap before adding his name to the end of the question to make it sound like I couldn't remember his name. I didn't have the guts to call him a different name like 'Roger' because I knew that Lucy would give me one of her extra long Paddington Bear stares.
"I'm an actor", he replied, keeping his eyes on target.
Ha! Got you now, I thought. Amateur dramatics, excellent.
"I've just played a part in a film that's coming out soon, you might have heard of it, Titanic?"
My smile started to fade just as Lucy's started to kick in. Titanic. Soon to become the biggest film ever. Just my luck. And we were stuck with this superman for the next eight hours. Not only was he good looking and ripplingly fit, he was also extremely nice, friendly and interesting.

I won't bore you with the details of the conversations Lucy and he had during the flight; about his twenty years as a paratrooper, his beach house in L.A. and his next film with Mel Gibson; the way he savoured every drop of Lucy's conversation and the way my life (and waistline) paled into insignificance in comparison.

I didn't speak much on the way home from the airport but once we arrived back at No.10 Cricket Green, I asked Lucy why on earth she was married to me when she could have had any man she wanted. She didn't say anything but looked straight into my defeated eyes and kissed me - a long, passionate kiss - the type that makes your knees wobble and leaves your mouth agape, unable to speak. She had answered my question without the need for words.

You might be wondering if this James character was too good to be true, but sure enough when we went to see the film Titanic, we saw him (all five seconds of him) and I had no need to be jealous because I had my beautiful wife by my side.